Good Grief! Mourning a Loved One.

This is a picture of my Facebook status last night. This was posted around 3:45 AM. I could not fall asleep though I was so tired and knew I would have to wake up soon to watch my niece. It was a long night and I am still trying to recover from the sleep I missed out on. So you might be wondering what the title and this whole ramble about my sleep problems has to do with our fashion blog, well the answer is- it doesn't. Today our blog is going to sort of stray away from style and what colors are in this season and focus on something a little more serious, grief. I'm sure most of you reading this have lost someone close to you or know someone who has. But this post isn't about them, it's about us- the grievers. "Almost 4am and I'm wide awake. Great. -feeling sad." I was feeling this way because like most people every night before I fall asleep I think about my day and say a prayer. I'm not super religious. I love church but I'm not there every Sunday with my bible in hand and it wasn't until this past June that I began praying every night. I don't know if you can really call it praying, I just use the last minutes I spend awake talking to my Grandpa. You see, on Father's day this year my family lost a very special person, my Grandpa. Although it has been about five months, it feels like it was yesterday. So my family and I are still grieving and I myself have been thinking about the whole process lately and figured it was worth sharing my thoughts on it.

These are the five stages of grief that everyone has heard of at one point or another. I studied these stages quite thoroughly in High School and again in my first year of college. I think they mean something a little different to everyone and I would like to share my take on each one with you.

This first stage is about not believing that you lost or are losing your loved one.

For me this stage was the longest. I remember talking to my Grandma on the phone when they had first got to the hospital and her telling me that my Grandpa would have to get brain surgery because of the bleeding that was occurring in his brain. I am study Echocardiography in school and have taken more than my fair share of medical classes. I knew right when I heard "brain surgery" that things were not looking good. I am a pretty positive person and refusing to even consider the thought of losing him I went to the store and got my Grandpa a "Get Well Soon!" and a Father's day card to give him when I went to visit. He never did end up getting to read them :( Jessica and I went up to the hospital to see him but he was unconscious and could not speak to us. We just sat with him and talked to him knowing that even though he couldn't acknowledge it- he could hear us. After being at the hospital for hours and saying goodbye to our Grandpa we finally made the long drive back home. I remember that whole night sitting in my living room with my dad and my sister talking about how things weren't looking good, but I think I had convinced myself that everything was going to be alright and that he would just wake up because this wasn't fair. Things like this didn't happen to me. I had watched my cousins lose their mothers within two years of each other and saw how strong each of them were. At both of my Aunt's funerals I tried to place myself in their shoes but I couldn't. I couldn't even think about losing someone SO close to me. Last year one of my good friends lost her mother to cancer and this past spring my best friend's boyfriend lost his father to the same. These two people, are probably the strongest people I have ever known. I can't even begin to explain to you how in awe I was of these two. I always hoped that if I lost a friend or family member I could carry myself with such grace. But for some shock might be seen as strength. This stage describes the initial shock you are in when you have to say goodbye to someone you love or for many not getting the chance to.

No definition needed for this one, we all know what anger is. This type of anger though, goes beyond being mad at your sister for borrowing your clothes without asking. This anger is the kind you feel when everything seems unfair and losing your loved one is unbearable. Most people place the blame on God or the cause of death. For example "God, why would you take them from me?" or "I hate Cancer!" My anger however, was placed on myself. My family had taken several trips up north to go see my Grandpa when he started to get sick and I had not gone with them either time. One time I had a lot of homework to finish up and thought I should get ahead on studying for my finals. Another time I was going to see my boyfriend up at school. I knew I should of went to see him but I always thought I would have more time. I felt so guilty and still do that I could have spent time with him but chose not to. For me this stage is the worse. Forgiving someone else is a whole lot easier than forgiving yourself.

Ahhh, bargaining. I like to think of this as the saddest stage of them all. This is the "Take me but let them live" "If you let me keep them I will never ______" stage. Sadly, all the bargaining in the world can't reverse time. My 'bargain' was "Just let him wake up so I can say goodbye. Just give me that. That is all I ask." But it didn't happen. This is a messy stage. This is the time when you have come to terms with the fact that you may be losing someone but you think that you can change this by making promises and begging to keep them. This one lasted a short time for me because my Grandpa was only in the hospitals for a few days before he passed away.

The fourth stage is depression. Now I know I said bargaining was the saddest stage but this is a close second. This stage really depends on how traumatic your loss was, how close you were with the deceased, and how fast you reach acceptance. For me it comes in waves. I know that my Grandpa wouldn't want me or anyone else in my family to be sad. I guess it just depends on the day, Of course I lost it at the hospital, I bawled my eyes out at an Outback Steakhouse me and my boyfriend stopped at for dinner just because it was near the hospital my Grandpa had died at. Just last week I got choked up when the cashier at speedway gave me back quarters as change (my Grandpa was a collector). That is why I was shocked that I made it through the whole funeral and even delivered the Eulogy without shedding a single tear. I just know that grieving is a process and being strong in front of others and crying in private is perfectly okay.

Finally, acceptance. This is the stage where you "graduate" from the grieving process- When you acknowledge the loss you faced, look ahead, and begin to move on from it. This may be the last stage but I don't believe this is the end. I think that for some the mourning process is life-long. It has only been 5 months but I know that I will miss my Grandpa for the rest of my life. For me this stage is bitter-sweet. Most people are left with mementos or belongings of the ones they lost. I have no tangible item to remember him besides photos and the memories that they captured. Those are the greatest things to have. I will cherish them for the rest of my life. My grandpa won't be there to see me walk down the aisle, but he got to walk me through the first twenty years of my life. He may never hold my kids but I got to hold his hand the day they took him off the machines that were keeping him alive. For those of you struggling to reach this stage just know that your loved ones may have been taken away from you but your memories of them and the love who had for each other were not.